She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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