Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
