Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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