Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
