im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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