I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
