Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
