dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
