if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
