just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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