I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
