I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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