I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
