he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
