guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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