My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
