Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
