god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
