You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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