you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
