I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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