I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
