What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
