he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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