Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
