Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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