i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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