I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
