Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
