Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize