I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
