Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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