Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
