Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
