That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Two words: blizzard sex
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
