He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
