I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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