Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We had sex on a dog bed..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
