I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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