remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
