Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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