Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
