Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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