forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
