I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
