i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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