Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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