"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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