I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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