I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So apparently I’m into choking now
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