I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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