Those balls look pretty dangerous.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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