I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
