I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
