I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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