Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
